May 08, 2008 05:18 pm
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It came to me the other day while I was reading Dear Abby.
In order to become a wealthy columnist, you need to have a knack for telling readers what to do. And readers need to believe that you know what you’re talking about.
You have to be able to advise them about good manners. Or offer suggestions about how to diplomatically tell off their in-laws. Guidance as to when to exit a bad relationship. What to cook, how to cook — or even what kind of bait to use to catch the biggest fish.
A wealthy columnist has to know stuff. Or know SOMETHING.
Which knocks me right off the potentially wealthy columnist list. There will be no “Dear Paperflinger” column for me.
Because as best as I can tell, I’m only sure of a few things in life — maybe half a dozen. Possibly 10, if you count the few things that my husband, Seth, says he is sure about.
In fact, the collective knowledge of the two of us can be summarized in a single column. Naturally, I am delighted to share that knowledge, in order of importance, beginning with ...
10. MARRIAGE: Get a marriage off to a strong start by developing the habit of treating one another with good manners and great respect. And always, always try the powerful word “please” before resorting to igniting his underwear.
9. BATTERIES: Keep a second set on hand for the remote. If you store them under the recliner, you won’t even have to get up out of the chair to change them. (The wisdom of Seth)
8. MEN: When a man claims he doesn’t know what you are talking about, he is probably telling the truth. Since men are more sensitive to visual cues, a woman may find that a dry-erase board with stick figures and red letters is helpful. Jumping up and down yelling will often get their attention, too. And never forget that men work best on the reward system. Younger men will take out the trash in exchange for an evening of feigned passion, and older men will install replacement windows for butter pecan ice cream made with whole milk.
7. WOMEN: Every woman should learn to draw emoticons (emotion faces) on a dry-erase board. Write in large letters. Women are bright, sensitive, and intuitive — and won’t harm a fly as long as the fly reads the dry-erase board.
6. MEN and WOMEN, from Seth’s perspective: Men should learn to not only read what’s on the dry-erase board, but also remember it. Red words in capital letters are better than the vocal equivalent. Remember that women don’t find humor in the same things that men do — like burping the alphabet. They have a more sensitive gross meter. And they rarely want to smell stuff.
5. RAISING TEENAGERS: It’s best if kids are not 100 percent sure that you are sane, or 100 percent sure what you might do. It never hurts to remind them that some species of animals eat their young. Unsubstantiated fear is a powerful weapon. And we need all the help we can get, since as parents we are virtually unarmed.
4. NUTRITION: It’s never good to eat a quart of ice cream, any flavor, after 9 p.m. unless you want to sit upright with pillows propped behind you for the next six hours due to acid reflux. (More from Seth)
3. TEENAGE BOYS: Whatever evil deed a teenage boy confesses, you can be sure that it is at least 10 times worse than he says, and might even have legal ramifications. At best, you probably owe somebody money, and your insurance will skyrocket.
2. FRIENDSHIP: Always have two best friends. In case one of them moves away or dies, you’ll still have someone to complain to about your husband and kids.
1. If the first 9 on this list doesn’t solve all your problems — well, this is the best I’ve got, so write Dear Abby for more specific pearls of wisdom. I’m exhausted.
I think I’ll stick to storytelling. ...
Theresa Timmons’ column, “Home Delivery” runs every other Friday. She is an Elwood resident and can be reached at paperflinger40@yahoo.com.
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