The Herald Bulletin

Morning Update

Columns

November 8, 2013

Verna Davis: God is God, we are not — get used to it

If I were in charge of the world, I would make sure that under-eye concealers would actually conceal the bags under my eyes. I would make my cheeks blush only when I want them to, and my lipstick would never wear off. I would make my eyes do their own "bifocaling" so I would no longer need glasses. And that's just to take care of my face.

If I were in charge of the world, I would make sure that creme-filled doughnuts would have no calories. Lettuce would never wilt and milk would never sour. Butter would always melt on your pancakes. And that's just to take care of things until supper.

If I were in charge of the world, I would declare extra large and extra soft flannel jammies are now the epitome of elegant evening wear. I would make sure that clothes would never again shrink in the dryer. I would declare ironing out of date, as wrinkles would now be high fashion. I would make all shoes, even those dressy little numbers with narrow straps and high heels, be as comfortable as last season's tennis shoes. And that's just to take care of my closet.

If I were in charge of the world, I would program my husband to periodically inquire on any car trip of over five miles, "How about stopping at that cute little quilt shop you like so much?" All teenagers would ask three times a day "What else can I do to help you, Mom?" All snakes would be extinct and poison ivy would no longer be poisonous. And that's just to take care of little old me.

If I were in charge of the world, I would make sure that everyone in the church loved each other deeply. I would make arguments over music magically disappear. I would make sure women never again engaged in a battle of who reigns supreme in the kitchen or nursery. Sermons would be theologically sound, intellectually stimulating, and sufficiently humorous to keep my attention, yet never last more than the obligatory 20 minutes. And that's just to take care of my church.

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