By Gwen Strough
April 24, 2008 07:21 am
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Editor’s Note: Due to the sensitive nature of information contained in this article, the individual who shared her story asked to be referred to only by her pen name, “Anastazia.”
PENDLETON — Anastazia was late getting home from work on the evening of April 12, 2002. It was a mistake that cost her dearly. Two broken ribs, a black eye and 27 bruises.
“I thought I knew him well, but apparently I didn’t,” she said, referring to the man who physically abused her. They’d known each other for 15 years before going out. Then, six months before their wedding date, the two began living together.
Retracing the steps that led up to the night she was physically abused, she said there were plenty of red flags. She just didn’t see them. Hoarding money, checking telephone messages, watching her mileage and keeping tabs on her cell phone usage were all signs, Anastazia said.
“And, looking back, there was more verbal abuse than I cared to acknowledge,” she added.
The beating lasted almost an hour. After Anastazia dialed 911, her abuser was heading out the door when law enforcement arrived. He was ordered to leave the property and since he agreed to do so voluntarily, he wasn’t arrested, she said.
Because of shame and embarrassment, Anastazia chose to stay secluded that night. She wanted to be left alone. Realizing she needed to get out of the situation quickly, she began packing her things. The following morning, members of her family — and his — helped her move out.
A protective order was placed by Madison County Sheriff’s Department, and Anastazia tried to get on with life. “I dove into my work and decided I’d get over it somehow,” she said.
She had to re-route her life so it would be less likely she would run into him. Sometimes she felt fearful at night. Ultimately, she sought long-term counseling because she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress syndrome.
After a while, she started to feel good about getting out in public with friends again.
Then, one night, her abuser showed up in a public establishment and knowingly sat down less than 20 feet from her, violating the protective order. The police were called, he was escorted from the premises, and charges were filed immediately.
Anastazia said it took nearly a month to get a hearing, and 10 months to get the domestic battery charge and conviction through the court system in 2003. Even then, he didn’t receive a sentence because the existing paperwork showed no prior arrests. “Basically, they told him to stay out of trouble and to stay away from me,” she said, adding that a three-year protective order was put into place.
Anastazia gives credit to Gay Doss, a victim advocate at Madison County Sheriff’s Department, for helping her every step of the way. She said Doss provided her with information about what to expect during the legal process and was at her side to support her when she had to confront her abuser in court. It was difficult seeing him again. In her mind, she could still visualize the marks that were left when she slid down the wall.
Doss also helped her through the long process of recovery of her self-esteem, aiding in her understanding that she should not blame herself and nothing could have caused her to deserve the beating she received. On a personal level, Doss helped Anastazia come to grips with and recognize red flags in future relationships.
“The cycle does not break until you are ready to break it,” Anastazia said. “My abuser grew up in an abusive situation. He continued that cycle. He made that choice. I also had choices to make. I got out.”
She explained that the hardest part now is that her abuser and his entire family still live locally. Even though it came out in court that he had abused his ex-wife and another girlfriend, she said his family still blames her and makes derogatory comments when they see her.
“I am still around Pendleton and that family,” she said. “I have to pick up and move on. No one else can do that for me.”
She also made the decision to help others. As a hospital emergency room nurse, she sees other victims of abuse. She said her employer allows her to take those individuals under her wing, apprising them of the various options available to them, including contacting victim advocates and law enforcement.
Two mobile billboards, bearing the words “Love shouldn’t hurt,” travel around Madison County, drawing attention to domestic abuse and providing information on how to get help. Along with the picture of a dozen roses she received a year prior to her beating, there is also a photo of the bruises Anastazia sustained to her arms and legs.
Her advice to anyone in an abusive situation is to contact a victim advocate immediately and make a plan for escape. Last week, she celebrated the six-year anniversary of her own survivorship by participating in a locally organized walk for awareness.
Victim advocates at Madison County Sheriff Department provide crisis intervention 24 hours per day for victims of violent attack, sexual assault and/or emotional trauma. For support and assistance, contact the sheriff’s department at (765) 646-4079, or Pendleton Police Department at (765) 778-3933.
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